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Today, I heard my husband telling his friend that I used to be a skank and was "easier than 1 plus 1" when we first met. I was still a virgin when we got married. FML

Today, I held a party for my family so I could announce my pregnancy. In the middle of my speech, my mother stopped me, saying, "Nobody gives a rat's ass, where's the booze?" FML

#20745652
83 comments

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

#20753667
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41485) - you deserved it (8164)

On 06/29/2013 at 1:31am - misc - by damniphone - Canada (Alberta)

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

#20753013
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48784) - you deserved it (4399)

On 06/28/2013 at 7:22pm - misc - by arse-face (woman) - Ireland (Clare)

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. His reason was that my laugh is really annoying and makes him want to "stick a baby in a blender". FML

#20786622
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45977) - you deserved it (8998)

On 07/16/2013 at 4:32pm - love - by ... cheers (woman) - United Kingdom (Renfrewshire)

Today, my 11-year-old daughter heard the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." She decided to test this out by letting our new puppy out of the front door. FML

#20784969
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49934) - you deserved it (4379)

On 07/15/2013 at 8:10pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

#20787181
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40900) - you deserved it (8482)

On 07/16/2013 at 9:55pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, what started off as an amazing date with my girlfriend ended with me driving her drunk ass home while she sat in the backseat making out with her new boyfriend. FML

Today, my mom stole the condoms out of my room and gave them to my little brother because I "won't be needing them anytime soon". FML

#20759724
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42860) - you deserved it (4343)

On 07/02/2013 at 12:17pm - misc - by dry spell (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

#20765643
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44590) - you deserved it (4853)

On 07/05/2013 at 5:59pm - misc - by -_- (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML

#20767127
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22780) - you deserved it (45309)

On 07/06/2013 at 2:23pm - money - by goodbye sweet internet (man) - Greece (Attiki)

Today, after my parents left for the weekend, my "friends" decided to throw a party at my house despite my protests. In order to get them to leave, I called the police. I was the only one arrested, while they got warnings. FML

#20783919
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48039) - you deserved it (8457)

On 07/15/2013 at 7:46am - misc - by ugh - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I finally got my laptop back after my friend broke it a few weeks ago. As I walked back into our place with my laptop in my bag, the same friend burst out and tackled me. My bag fell and slammed into the floor. Guess who has to pay for another repair. FML

#20772448
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49998) - you deserved it (4251)

On 07/09/2013 at 1:51pm - misc - by random person - United States



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