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Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

by zachadams / 09/16/2013 at 5:03pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss came around to my way of thinking. He called our customers a "bunch of assholes" and to kick them out if they gave me trouble. When a lady began yelling at me for "setting the damn prices too high" I told her to leave. My boss soon bitched me out for being unprofessional. FML

by choke on a dick, sir / 11/01/2013 at 6:47pm / United States (Maine) / Work

Today, I dropped a $400 bottle of wine while trying to get the cork out. FML

by butterfingers / 12/06/2013 at 2:08am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, marks my third day of school being closed due to snow. One, and only one, of the teachers has decided that we have to do work online in the meantime. I just so happen to be in three of his classes. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2013 at 12:26pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, my boyfriend was playing with my hair, when his hand got caught. He ended up ripping out a handful of hair trying to get it free. FML

by coop42 / 01/15/2014 at 2:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom that my boyfriend had broken up with me. She was more upset about it than I was. She actually almost cried. FML

by Chilly / 03/03/2014 at 2:13am / United States (Alaska) / Love

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

by HeMayHaveSomeIssues / 02/28/2014 at 3:01pm / Denmark / Kids

Today, I received my employee ID, which I have to wear at all times at my new job. The only problem is that in my photo, I look like a donkey having a seizure. Customers keep snickering at it, and my boss thinks I posed like that deliberately. FML

by Lady Madeira von Cuntshunt / 03/21/2014 at 4:46pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML

by banana_tree / 04/21/2014 at 5:26pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

by Humiliated & Heart-Broken / 07/30/2014 at 12:41am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML

by Anonymous / 09/17/2014 at 6:10pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML

by Anonymous / 09/17/2014 at 7:46am / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

by Anonymous / 10/05/2014 at 3:31pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy