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Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML

by amazinghermit / 11/24/2014 at 11:21pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Animals

Today, my five year old sister won't stop saying, "shit buckle fuckle ton." My boyfriend's excuse was that he was teaching her how to rhyme. FML

by angkal2002 / 11/21/2014 at 10:29pm / Australia / Kids

Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML

by crazy cat lady / 12/03/2014 at 6:24pm / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Animals

Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML

by kb / 01/10/2015 at 9:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 9:33am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I walked 20 minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML

by Banana_Lord / 03/03/2015 at 5:41am / United Kingdom (Fife) / Miscellaneous

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

by tumbleshay / 03/20/2015 at 9:32pm / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

by righthook / 04/08/2015 at 3:56pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

by lameows / 04/03/2015 at 9:57pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 04/03/2015 at 2:43pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

by that one anon / 05/07/2015 at 2:27am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my friends made a little game out of my OCD. They like to purposely poke one of my arms so I immediately poke the other one. They think it's hilarious and now do it constantly. FML

by danceinconverse / 05/22/2015 at 4:11pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

by inheritance / 05/05/2015 at 10:44am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Love