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Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

by tumbleshay / 03/20/2015 at 9:32pm / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

by lameows / 04/03/2015 at 9:57pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 04/03/2015 at 2:43pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

by righthook / 04/08/2015 at 3:56pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

by that one anon / 05/07/2015 at 2:27am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

by inheritance / 05/05/2015 at 10:44am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Love

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2015 at 12:47am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friends made a little game out of my OCD. They like to purposely poke one of my arms so I immediately poke the other one. They think it's hilarious and now do it constantly. FML

by danceinconverse / 05/22/2015 at 4:11pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2008 at 4:24am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

by noname / 12/29/2008 at 1:09am / Miscellaneous

Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML

by Meh / 03/01/2009 at 6:27pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said "Ashley's kindergarten Play-'95", I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see "Days of our lives", "Melrose Place", and "ER". My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows. FML

by 4gottenmemories / 04/07/2009 at 10:53pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, while getting off the bus, there was a lady in front of me wearing a dress and suddenly her phone dropped out of her bag. I picked up the phone for her which landed right beneath her dress and as she turned around she thought I was trying to take pictures of her panties and slapped me. FML

by AznKoreanGuy / 03/04/2009 at 1:06am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous