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Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

by bertiebeth / 08/02/2014 at 1:35am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

by liilii / 08/30/2014 at 12:40pm / India (Kerala) / Animals

Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

by youonlyneed2squares / 09/24/2014 at 12:10am / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML

by runsinthefamily / 10/04/2014 at 12:31pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML

by wowdadreally / 12/23/2014 at 3:46pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a letter in the mail telling me to report for jury duty. The day that I have to show up is the day of my wedding. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2015 at 6:32pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

by Bart / 07/03/2015 at 12:32am / Work

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

by Anonymous / 07/18/2015 at 11:45pm / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Miscellaneous

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

by Rabzouz / 12/20/2008 at 3:16am / Geek

Today, as I was pressed for time, I opened some canned food for dinner. When my children were served, they said, "Mmm, this is best meal you've ever cooked for us!" I cook healthy, balanced meals every day. FML

by Lola / 12/20/2008 at 7:23am / Kids

Today, while I was on my laptop, I decided to take a nap. Little did I know that my leg was covering up the cool air intake underneath the machine. I woke up an hour later with a first degree burn on my thigh. From a laptop. FML

by laptopsRus / 05/19/2009 at 2:49pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, this lady comes up to the counter and asks me for some napkins. She came up to the counter 5 times, when my boss told me to find out what happened to her. Her daughter had puked all over the table and floor, she had covered it with napkins and then left. I had to clean it up. FML

Today, I decided I had gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2009 at 9:03am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Miscellaneous