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Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

by Sleepy / 05/31/2015 at 11:51am / United States (Armed Forces Europe, Middle East) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my husband going down on another woman. Instead of speaking, he looked at me, got up, and slammed the door. FML

by lolatmylovelife / 06/11/2015 at 4:51pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2015 at 1:14pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML

by Ma_Nikka / 07/23/2015 at 3:00pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

by SweeT / 10/25/2008 at 12:55pm / Love

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

by vargasm / 01/18/2009 at 7:12am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, my husband invited his boss and his wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologised for its bad quality, somewhat annoyed: "Dont drink that, I'll go and look for another bottle." Unfortunately, it was our guests who had brought the wine in question. FML

by Buzz / 11/29/2008 at 11:11am / Work

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

by Reihna / 10/15/2012 at 9:10am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2009 at 4:02pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I treated myself to a spa day at home. First, I decided to do a hot oil treatment on my hair. I was leaning over the saucepan of oil on the stove when it flared up in my face. On the bright side, I no longer have to worry about plucking my eyebrows. FML

by torchy / 05/10/2009 at 12:48am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working at a fast food restaurant, I stayed a little overtime to help my manager with dishes. A kid pooped in the slide in the playground area attached to the restaurant itself. I'm the smallest one there. I had to crawl UP the slide to find and clean the poop. FML

by donezo / 06/26/2009 at 1:43am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

by Eskyew / 07/23/2009 at 5:40pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2009 at 11:15pm / United States (Michigan) / Love