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Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

by :/ / 03/04/2014 at 8:37am / Kids

Today, my dad found out that I'm a member on a bodybuilding forum and decided to join it too. It's only been a few hours, but he's already told everyone that he's my dad, posted that I'm a "total pussy in real life", and questioned my sexuality. Thanks. FML

by -.- / 04/13/2014 at 6:16pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Miscellaneous

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

by failureatlife / 04/27/2014 at 3:16pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

by Anonymous / 07/31/2014 at 1:28pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the living room. I jumped up and went running, only to find out it was my mother, who'd screamed at some dramatic plot twist in a Sex and the City episode. FML

by leastitwasntsurpriseanal / 08/22/2014 at 4:26pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2014 at 12:17pm / United Kingdom (Slough) / Work

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2014 at 7:55pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2015 at 8:08pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Health

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

by feels like an asshole / 06/09/2015 at 4:03pm / United States / Health

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

by Mith / 02/04/2009 at 5:56am / Poland (Wielkopolskie) / Animals

Today, My roommate texted me and warned me to be careful on the stairs leading to our place because they were icy. I got the message. After I fell down an entire flight of stone stairs. FML

by CBM2012 / 02/06/2009 at 11:58pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. After being upset for not hearing my car alarm go off I realized it had in the middle of the night. I had woken up and cursed the idiot who set off their alarm and put a pillow over my head, falling back to sleep shortly after. FML

by Noname / 03/12/2009 at 11:42pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation

Today, I was fired from a managerial position I've held for two years due to "inappropriate relations with a subordinate": I was dating a coworker. My girlfriend then broke up with me four hours later. Because I no longer had a job. I hired her. FML

by mjohnston / 03/27/2009 at 10:47am / United States (Texas) / Work