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Today, I had this really high fever and my sister decides I'm hot enough to fry an egg on. So I'm lying in bed now, still terribly feverish but smelling of the egg she cracked on my back. FML

by egged / 07/07/2014 at 9:41pm / Singapore / Health

Today, I was helping out at my church. At lunchtime, a really cute guy my age walked over and told me I was pretty. I was flattered, until I turned around and saw his annoyed buddies handing him several dollar bills. FML

by what people do for money / 07/18/2014 at 12:45pm / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

by manymisfortunes / 10/04/2014 at 1:43am / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy

Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML

by ThatNewCarSmell / 10/01/2014 at 12:53pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I found out the hard way that blood-filled deer ticks can look a lot like black jelly beans. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2015 at 10:12am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

by Anonymous / 06/04/2015 at 8:26am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

by little tooth / 11/06/2008 at 8:39am / Health

Today, the pharmacy lady wished me a happy birthday. I was buying the morning after pill. FML

by God hates me / 01/25/2009 at 7:14pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

by crakbbyaparently / 01/30/2009 at 8:34pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

by Mith / 02/04/2009 at 5:56am / Poland (Wielkopolskie) / Animals

Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML

by shrimp41 / 05/14/2009 at 3:47pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2009 at 6:16pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I forgot my work clothes at home so my boss gave me a jacket with a name patch that said "Mike". Still wearing my work clothes I ran into my ex-girlfriend on my way home. We were together for five years until she dumped me for a guy name Mike. FML

by [email protected] / 02/25/2009 at 2:42am / Canada (Alberta) / Love