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Today, the neighbors called the cops because they heard "gun shots". My girlfriend and I were popping bubble wrap. FML

by We're still popping them / 02/26/2015 at 7:35pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my father finally achieved his long-held goal. He has legally disowned me. FML

by _kyleG_ / 06/16/2015 at 1:54am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, as I kissed my husband after our wedding vows, my mother-in-law muttered "Slut." loudly from the front row. Everyone heard her, but kept smiling and pretended to be oblivious. FML

by Anonymous / 06/27/2015 at 2:56pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

by Boneo and Juliet / 07/16/2015 at 3:22pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my daughter sobbing and trying to stick a wad of gauze to her vagina. She was having her first period. FML

by Anonymous / 08/07/2015 at 10:16pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

by MAC / 01/13/2009 at 4:47am / Work

Today, I was putting the finishing touches on my portrait of a young boy in art class. I asked my teacher if she could help correct the bad parts of my portrait. She said, "Well that would take all day and I just don't have the time." She was serious. I thought this was my best work yet. FML

by offended / 04/07/2009 at 2:15am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend was going to propose. Since he was really nervous, he decided to have a couple of drinks to loosen up. He ended up throwing up and passing out before he could get down on one knee. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2009 at 3:12pm / United States / Love

Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my iTouch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML

by Sweeney / 05/20/2009 at 1:54pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2009 at 7:05am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

by Marleck / 02/22/2009 at 2:16am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I was at the library. I went near the computer section when I saw this man cursing and pounding his fists on a computer. He left. I thought I'd check it out. As I sat down, a librarian came over with the security guard and pointed at me. I'm now being fined for destroying public property. FML

by weliveanddie14 / 05/07/2009 at 4:27pm / United States (Texas) / Geek

Today, I left on a 2 month trip. I was in a hurry to pack so I wouldn't miss my plane. There were 2 piles of clothes on my bed. One pile was clothes that didn't fit to take to a thrift store, one was to take with me. Guess which one I brought? FML

by Cheech / 06/29/2009 at 5:52pm / United States (California) / Transportation