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Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

by Discipl / 10/27/2014 at 11:00pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said "I know." FML

by cuckolddreams / 01/21/2015 at 2:06pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2015 at 12:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I ripped my stitches while taking a shit. FML

by stitchesgirl12 / 04/07/2015 at 12:03pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML

by Anonymous / 04/23/2015 at 9:16am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I found out my mom put breast milk in my cereal until I was 7 years old. FML

by Anonymous / 05/22/2015 at 11:17am / United States / Health

Today, as I kissed my husband after our wedding vows, my mother-in-law muttered "Slut." loudly from the front row. Everyone heard her, but kept smiling and pretended to be oblivious. FML

by Anonymous / 06/27/2015 at 2:56pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a date with a girl. Wanting to make a good impression, I spend a lot of time getting ready and by the time I get to the place we were supposed to meet she isn't there anymore. I call her to see where she is. She's in bed with another guy and says "I was REALLY waiting for you". FML

by zevil / 11/18/2008 at 11:54am / Peru (Lima) / Love

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML

by Noname / 01/16/2009 at 3:43pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend for an hour listening to him talk about his new truck and his final exams. I literally did not say a single word. Just as I said, "Hey baby, guess what happened to me today?", he says, "Can I go to sleep? I'm too tired to guess. Night." FML

by fthis / 01/27/2009 at 12:58pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

by dinosaur / 02/07/2009 at 10:06pm / United States (Washington) / Geek

Today, in order to look nice for a date, I tried the new blue mouthwash that turns plaque blue so you know where to brush. I couldn't get all the blue. FML

by Ricky / 05/16/2009 at 5:19pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, walking home from work, I saw a little boy crying, so I crouched down to his eye level. I asked him what was wrong, his reply was to kick me in the groin. FML

by Annoymous / 09/03/2009 at 6:19am / Australia (South Australia) / Kids