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Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm 'so slow a turtle could kick my ass' and that he has 'a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend.' FML

by cheat / 10/18/2009 at 7:30am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 7:37pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

by sexysue / 11/07/2009 at 5:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that I lie to my friends online and go "offline" for hours at a time so it appears that I have a life outside of the internet. FML

by Kimberly / 10/22/2009 at 8:26am / Miscellaneous

Today, I talked to my crush for twenty minutes at Wal-mart. Then I realized I forgot to take off my Weight Watchers meeting nametag. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2009 at 12:53pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2009 at 2:31am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, at work, I watched a man throw up in his hands, dump the contents on his plate, then eat the things it "didn't touch". I had to wash his plate. FML

by militarywife2b / 12/14/2009 at 3:23pm / Work

Today, my college professor/employer failed to send in a letter I had been counting on for a scholarship application. He has also decided not to pay me for the last two months. I'm not going to make rent. Apparently this is the punishment you get for politely declining a date with a married man. FML

by nothotforteacher / 01/07/2010 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML

by anonymous / 01/10/2010 at 12:55am / United States / Health

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

by ilovecowboys / 02/26/2010 at 4:09am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Transportation

Today, while at the dog park, I suddenly had to use the bathroom really badly. Since there weren't any facilities nearby, I decided to go behind a tree and relieve myself there. While doing this, two other owners, one that's in my math class, noticed me, regardless of me hiding. She definitely saw everything. School will be fun tomorrow. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2010 at 5:44pm / United States (Alabama) / Animals

Today, I got mugged. They wanted my phone and wallet. The most important thing in my wallet was my fully punched Smoothie King card. FML

by ashleeylynn / 03/15/2010 at 11:05am / United States / Money

Today, I was working as a counsellor at a special needs camp when one of the parents came up to my friend and asked her what my disorder was. FML

by *sigh* / 05/22/2010 at 9:24pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous