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Today, a moth was flying around my house. Annoyed, I picked up a shoe to crush it with. The moth landed on a light fixture on the ceiling, so I made my move. Dead, the moth slipped gracefully through air and onto my head. So did the light fixture. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2009 at 5:20pm / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML

by sickened / 08/25/2009 at 10:17am / Philippines (Rizal) / Love

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2009 at 10:24am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that's how active my sex life is. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2009 at 2:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, a bee flew in my car so I swerved off the road and hit a mailbox. It was a metal keg filled with cement buried in the ground. Taking my father's advice I fled the scene. Later my mailman knocked on my door holding part of my bumper. He said "Excuse me, I think you hit my mailbox this morning." FML

by Sybil90 / 11/11/2009 at 8:03am / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend tried to be sexy and take off my clothes with his teeth. He ended up biting my leg. FML

by NotsexyEnough / 11/22/2009 at 10:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

by lol / 12/06/2009 at 9:03am / United Kingdom (North East Lincolnshire) / Health

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

by mcpeepants / 01/08/2010 at 12:56pm / United States (Vermont) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my boyfriend thinks I'm too high maintenance because I have a chronic illness which requires frequent hospitalization. FML

by bobby / 03/13/2010 at 10:17pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I told my father I registered for the Marines, and that I'm leaving for bootcamp next week. He asked if this means that he doesn't have to pay child support anymore. FML

by Widowmaker / 08/09/2010 at 12:03am / Miscellaneous

Today, someone broke into my car to steal $1.50. FML

by Brokeashell / 06/01/2010 at 2:47pm / United States / Money

Today, I decided to take a nap before a big job interview at 6. I set two alarm clocks to make sure I didn't miss it, but I woke up at 5:59. As I'm scrambling in a panic to get out the door, my mom says calmly, "I took your alarm clocks out of your room because you looked really tired today." FML

by thanksmum / 05/29/2010 at 1:39pm / Germany (Berlin) / Work

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a cute girl I didn't know. She fell asleep on my lap by accident and I just let her for the whole train ride. This is the closest I've ever been with a woman. FML

by comfylap / 05/28/2010 at 7:30pm / United States (California) / Love