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Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

#20985190
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44783) - you deserved it (4871)

On 12/08/2013 at 3:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to a figure holding a knife above me. After I screamed in terror, the figure burst into laughter. It was my mom. She did this as payback for me not washing the dishes last night after making food. FML

#21016927
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38371) - you deserved it (15105)

On 01/04/2014 at 6:43pm - misc - by awkwardpartybear (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML

#20987358
162 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37392) - you deserved it (5643)

On 12/10/2013 at 2:38am - work - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

#21031414
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47436) - you deserved it (8657)

On 01/18/2014 at 1:29am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

#21023350
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40140) - you deserved it (4713)

On 01/10/2014 at 6:15am - animals - by RaccoonFever - United States (California)

Today, I was asked to go to a ball by the guy I like. The theme is masquerade. He made me a Robin mask; he's wearing a Batman mask. FML

#21021762
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37945) - you deserved it (10546)

On 01/08/2014 at 7:54pm - love - by Unfortunately Me (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

#21023843
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44700) - you deserved it (6238)

On 01/10/2014 at 7:24pm - intimacy - by lukas (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

#21030923
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38996) - you deserved it (7518)

On 01/17/2014 at 3:56pm - health - by sausages (man) - Macedonia (Karpos)

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

#21036979
161 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41075) - you deserved it (13794)

On 01/23/2014 at 7:53am - misc - by MarBlu - United States

Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML

#21050614
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37335) - you deserved it (7006)

On 02/04/2014 at 8:03pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I got into a slight spot of shit with my new boss over his speech. Apparently he was not actually impersonating Sylvester the Cat, and he just has a speech impediment. When I jokingly said "sufferin' succotash" to him, he wasn't pleased at all. FML

#21056453
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19510) - you deserved it (36535)

On 02/10/2014 at 5:37pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

#21058436
31 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43647) - you deserved it (6495)

On 02/12/2014 at 8:12pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, every "entry level" job in my field is now requiring 2-5 years experience. I don't think they understand what "entry level" actually means. FML

#21078902
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38461) - you deserved it (2613)

On 03/05/2014 at 4:37pm - work - by mr1234 (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)



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