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Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

#20741232
189 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51164) - you deserved it (11905)

On 06/22/2013 at 4:55pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, I had a job interview. All was going well until the interviewer asked me, "So, why should we hire you?" Without thinking, I blurted out, "Because, I'm awesome!" Don't think I'll be getting that one. FML

Today, I've come to the conclusion that my phone addiction is getting out of control after I typed my PIN code into the microwave. FML

#20754108
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25250) - you deserved it (35922)

On 06/29/2013 at 10:57am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML

#20771337
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49418) - you deserved it (3265)

On 07/08/2013 at 10:08pm - work - by Garchomp (man) - United States (Kansas)

Today, I discovered that when my husband agreed to donate sperm so an infertile friend and his wife could have children, there was nothing "artificial" about the insemination. FML

#20762781
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66631) - you deserved it (5781)

On 07/04/2013 at 12:41am - intimacy - by OnPlanetVenus (woman) - United States (Nebraska)

Today, I placed a Bible app next to an app I use for porn, in the hope that it will encourage me to watch less porn. I'm a girl. FML

Today, I came back from vacation only to find my 16-year-old son was throwing a party with over 30 kids in our house. My 33-year-old sister was having fun dancing on a table. FML

Today, I called a tree removal company to have my diseased elm removed. When I got home from work, I was surprised to find it still there. Not as surprised as my neighbor was to discover that his tree was missing, nor as surprised as his children when they saw there was no more tree-house. FML

#20790198
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53782) - you deserved it (4020)

On 07/18/2013 at 10:38am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, while training a new employee, I had to run after a naked guy chasing a hooker at the hotel I work at. I made him go back to his room, while she offered me a good time for 300 bucks. The trainee left and hasn't come back yet. FML

#20849812
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39160) - you deserved it (2788)

On 08/22/2013 at 7:50pm - work - by Awkward - United States

Today, I asked my surgeon if I would be having a general or local anesthetic at my upcoming operation. He replied, "General, of course! It's gonna be a slaughterhouse in there!" FML

#20824490
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41685) - you deserved it (3672) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 08/06/2013 at 5:59pm - health - by pong - France (Midi-Pyrenees)

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. When I didn't get off right away, he asked what he was doing wrong. I told him he was doing fine, but instead of focusing only on my vagina, he might want to pay attention to my clitoris as well. His response? "What's a clitoris?" FML

#20809292
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61534) - you deserved it (9139)

On 07/29/2013 at 3:54am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

#20833166
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50505) - you deserved it (6157)

On 08/12/2013 at 12:49am - love - by WTF? (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

#20847973
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50586) - you deserved it (6804)

On 08/21/2013 at 2:58pm - animals - by mykhael (man) - United States (Louisiana)



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