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Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

by Bandking / 03/17/2014 at 5:48pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got to spend 4 hours on a bus with a group of selfie-taking teenagers who spent the majority of the time trying to harmonize while singing various songs. I'm pretty sure half of them were tone deaf. FML

by please stop singing!!!! / 03/21/2014 at 7:59pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

by DetergentFrog6 / 04/07/2014 at 4:54pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom visited, and I left her for a few minutes while I used the bathroom. While I was stuck taking a crap, she went on one of her religious rants, telling my children that Easter was off this year because their precious "pagan" Easter Bunny had been murdered. FML

by kaheera4 / 04/04/2014 at 6:38pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML

by wah wah "you raised him" / 04/22/2014 at 2:59pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

by poolfail / 08/06/2014 at 5:14pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to bend my iPhone 6 like there's no tomorrow. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2014 at 2:48pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

by mainlineloser / 11/28/2014 at 12:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

by Andrew / 07/14/2015 at 1:59pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, my mom told me that she heard me and my best friend in my room grunting and talking about how hard we were. She said she loved me and accepted me no matter what. Thanks mom, but we were working out. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2015 at 4:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son laughed at me when I tried to get him to put a bit more effort into his schoolwork. His grandmother had kindly given him all my shitty school reports from when I was his age. FML

by fataldisease / 12/11/2008 at 7:21am / Kids

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said "You should know already". FML

by Timeless / 02/24/2009 at 12:22am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Love

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

by Sheezey / 02/24/2009 at 6:14pm / United States (California) / Health