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Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2015 at 3:10pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had a big figure skating competition. Many of the girls before me fell or did not execute their jumps correctly. Me? I skated a flawless program. I was placed last because they said I didn't push myself hard enough to the point of falling. FML

by depressedskatergirl / 02/06/2015 at 9:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

by teapotrevolt / 03/02/2015 at 3:40pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Health

Today, I was outside with my two new kittens. A woman came rushing over, saying how glad she was that they were outside. She then started complaining that she had only been able to see them through the windows previously. I have no idea who she is or where she lives. FML

by cat.imakittycat. / 04/07/2015 at 3:14am / New Zealand (Taranaki) / Animals

Today, I heard a loud beep for over an hour. It didn't come from my phone or even an alarm of some sort. It was my son pretending to be a smoke alarm. FML

by Suicidal_Divide / 05/06/2015 at 3:25pm / United States (California) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

by UN4 / 05/27/2015 at 12:25pm / United States / Work

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2009 at 6:38pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I talked to my boss about the fact that I have been diagnosed as bipolar and I am having a really hard time with it. He told me to look on the bright side, now that I'm crazy I will never have to do Jury Duty. FML

by crazymuch / 02/01/2009 at 1:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

by Dasani / 02/16/2009 at 6:57pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy who I've been on five dates with called me for the first time in 2 weeks. The first thing I said was, "Don't expect me to go out with you again after going AWOL on me." Then he told me his mom died. FML

by ouch / 03/03/2009 at 6:08pm / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

by drano / 08/02/2009 at 12:04am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend got drunk. We tried to get him into a cab, he punched me in the face, three chavs then accosted me, accusing me of trying to mug him. I was then beaten up by said chavs and then the police charged me for being drunk and disorderly. FML

by DrunkenValor / 09/06/2009 at 12:03am / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Health

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

by scarlet5000 / 09/26/2009 at 2:32am / United States / Transportation