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Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

by rabid_otaku / 09/20/2014 at 7:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

by dwood08 / 11/06/2014 at 8:55pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I found a $20 bill on the ground, so I decided to pick it up. It was actually attached to a string and was meant to be a prank by some kids. They failed miserably, so I took the money. They ran up to me and punched me in the balls for taking their cash. FML

by ethawesome1125 / 11/02/2014 at 7:11pm / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, I helped a very large elderly man, who thanked me and tried to hand me a dollar bill. I kindly told him, "We are not allowed to accept tips from customers." His reply was, "You're going to take this fucking money," and shoved it in my pocket. I'm now being written up for it. FML

by justinmdent / 11/23/2014 at 10:48pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2014 at 11:19am / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I don't have a mother who cares about me. She is my mother. FML

by anon / 12/25/2014 at 3:20pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2014 at 9:41am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2015 at 3:10pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my friend told me she wanted to get pregnant. I thought that was good news, but then she said she wanted my boyfriend to be the father of her baby. FML

by DumbFace714 / 02/13/2015 at 8:43pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

by teapotrevolt / 03/02/2015 at 3:40pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Health

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore. He stood up and said he was leaving when I said that I didn't like 50 Shades of Grey, because he, "doesn't want to be near a bitch who doesn't know her place". He then told me to give him a ride home. FML

by whymanwhy / 04/13/2015 at 6:43am / Czech Republic / Love

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2015 at 10:01am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

by UN4 / 05/27/2015 at 12:25pm / United States / Work