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Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

by dantko / 01/01/2014 at 12:04am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, an old man wanted to give me a tip for bagging his groceries. He slipped some money as deep into my pocket as he could, stroking my thigh for a few long seconds in the process, then he gave me a creepy smile and winked before walking away. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2014 at 3:00pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on the highway, a guy in a truck sped up to pass me. He was hauling a trailer, which hit me and ran me off the road. I called the cops and followed him all the way into town, where the cops pulled him over. They let him go without even a ticket, because, "He didn't know he hit you." FML

by Off_Road / 06/04/2014 at 3:30pm / United States (Alaska) / Transportation

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

by bananna / 05/29/2014 at 11:18am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, at my local amusement park, I decided it'd be fun to meet someone on the roller coaster by sitting alone and hoping that someone nice would sit next to me. I rode the roller coaster 7 times. I sat alone each time. FML

by Anonymous / 07/08/2014 at 3:40pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

by Anonymous / 07/14/2014 at 1:45pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

by motherlover / 08/05/2014 at 12:40am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I went to a café and got some soup. When I was done, a nice waiter came over and offered to take my mostly empty soup bowl. I quickly at the last of it, looked up smiling and said "thanks". The soup dribbled out of my mouth and onto his hand. FML

by Anonymous / 08/15/2014 at 1:06am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2014 at 11:19am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my doctor wasn't kidding when he said "sudden diarrhea may occur" with my new medication. I learned this while walking my dog a mile away from my house. FML

by HauntedTwilight / 08/14/2014 at 9:09pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

by abbshows / 08/29/2014 at 2:54pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore. He stood up and said he was leaving when I said that I didn't like 50 Shades of Grey, because he, "doesn't want to be near a bitch who doesn't know her place". He then told me to give him a ride home. FML

by whymanwhy / 04/13/2015 at 6:43am / Czech Republic / Love

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

by fuck you / 04/26/2015 at 4:19am / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Love