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Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML

by Anonymous / 12/14/2010 at 10:02am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 8:34pm / United States (Kentucky) / Work

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2010 at 7:36pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Feeling bad, I texted him a few hours later apologizing. He said it was fine and that he went ahead and picked up a girl from the mall. FML

by grrrr / 02/12/2011 at 2:00pm / United States / Love

Today, my boyfriend referred me to me as "just a friend" to his ex. They swapped phone numbers. FML

by meohmy / 03/30/2011 at 9:10pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2011 at 10:19am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

by soapy / 10/01/2011 at 12:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2011 at 8:07pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, my mother-in-law asked if she could move in with us. FML

by anonymous / 01/27/2012 at 10:26am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, my granddad had to start sleeping in my bedroom. He has flashback dreams to when he was a boxer, and he's already lamped my granny three times in his sleep. I get a camp-bed, and the chance to listen to him snore like a wild boar. FML

by Lovernotafighter / 02/24/2012 at 6:36am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, for the first time in a week, a customer entered my store. He needed to use the bathroom. FML

by Anonymous / 09/15/2012 at 9:29pm / United States / Work

Today, I got fired from a job that I've had for four days for being too "secretive." Apparently, I was leaning over my notebook so that my boss couldn't stand behind me and read what I was writing. The email literally said I was "being too sneaky". They were work notes. FML

by TheHarvardian / 10/25/2012 at 2:59am / United States (Kentucky) / Work

Today, I went to college on bike through snow and hail only to find out my professor can't make it to class due to the weather. She lives down my street. FML

by refticon / 02/06/2013 at 3:45am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Miscellaneous