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Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

#21031414
181 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49351) - you deserved it (9287)

On 01/18/2014 at 1:29am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

#21023843
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48926) - you deserved it (7580)

On 01/10/2014 at 7:24pm - intimacy - by lukas (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

#21025897
162 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51789) - you deserved it (6511)

On 01/12/2014 at 8:00pm - health - by foreveralone - United States (Illinois)

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

#21029770
320 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51586) - you deserved it (11546)

On 01/16/2014 at 12:57pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML

#21050614
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38031) - you deserved it (7132)

On 02/04/2014 at 8:03pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

#21061712
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43988) - you deserved it (5645)

On 02/15/2014 at 6:14pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

#21071021
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48228) - you deserved it (3418)

On 02/25/2014 at 4:59am - animals - by HelpMe (man) - United Kingdom (Scottish Borders, The)

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

#21087786
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40525) - you deserved it (19465)

On 03/15/2014 at 11:46pm - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

#21102946
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47862) - you deserved it (5916)

On 04/02/2014 at 4:10pm - kids - by I Have Failed (man) - Spain (Madrid)

Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

#21118892
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53607) - you deserved it (13344)

On 04/21/2014 at 11:43am - intimacy - by Sue Ellen (woman) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML

#21126320
163 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43542) - you deserved it (4978)

On 04/29/2014 at 2:48pm - misc - by god (woman) - United Kingdom (West Lothian)

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

#21118358
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42536) - you deserved it (4935)

On 04/20/2014 at 7:24pm - animals - by BetterThanChocolate (woman) - United States (Maryland)



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  • So, have you ordered it? Have you got it? No? Yes? Do you have any idea of what I'm talking about? OK, for the normal people, I'm talking about the new iPhone 6. Apparently, it came out today. I'm not…

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