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Today, my parents came to visit me. I bought boxers and cologne to make it look like I had a man here. I've been single since I moved away. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2011 at 9:33pm / United States / Love

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

by swirkishly / 11/24/2011 at 11:06am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband threw up in the shower after drinking almost a whole bottle of wine. The shower won't drain now. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

by emilyta / 11/24/2011 at 2:14am / United States (Oregon) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was feeling super nervous about driving because I had my first accident the day before. As I stopped at a red light, I got rear-ended. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2011 at 7:23pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend who I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I find out that last time he saw me, I was blind drunk and vomiting after propositioning him all evening. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2011 at 10:03am / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I checked over the pictures on my night-cam to see if my cats are really going on our kitchen counters. As soon as I'd seen the first picture, I realized that this whole time my cats haven't been going on it. It was a rat. FML

by rattrap / 02/05/2012 at 8:13pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

by hdgyfjdzdfg / 04/16/2012 at 2:53am / United States / Love

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

by Christina / 06/29/2012 at 1:31am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

by HellisLikeTheDMV / 07/13/2012 at 11:19am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went for a job interview. Before giving me a tour, the manager pointed to my purse and said, "Better leave that in my office." I didn't know why it was safer in her office than on my shoulder, but I complied. Later, I went to buy coffee and discovered that all my cash was missing. FML

by NoMoney4Me / 09/24/2012 at 6:48am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

by Annonymous / 10/18/2012 at 10:41am / United States / Animals

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

by petra84 / 10/22/2012 at 6:34pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

by seriously? / 12/22/2012 at 5:19pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous