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Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a visit. Not long after arriving, my niece ripped off her diaper and immediately took a dump on my white carpet. Guess who had to 'suddenly' leave afterwards, leaving me to clean up the mess. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2013 at 8:08pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I swear I couldn't help it when the words "Wow, I bet you really regret that haircut." came out of my mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2014 at 3:30am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2014 at 12:39pm / United States / Animals

Today, I walked a student to an office on the other side of the school. I'm the kind of person who would rather make conversation than endure awkward silence, so I tried to talk to him. He just stared intently at my chest the whole time. FML

by Miss_Whipped / 06/02/2014 at 1:01pm / United States (Texas) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

by jakethemuss / 08/09/2014 at 7:03pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, I took a army-mandated personality evaluation test. The results said I had a high chance of schizophrenia and multiple personality syndrome. Part of me says that the test is probably spot-on, the other part says it has to be a mistake. Apparently this is another sign of schizophrenia. FML

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

by Anonymous / 12/07/2014 at 2:20pm / Ireland (Galway) / Love

Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2014 at 1:51pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2014 at 4:48pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

by RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) / 12/17/2014 at 1:47pm / Lebanon (Beyrouth) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

by can't win / 01/13/2015 at 11:25am / Australia / Love

Today, I was walking with a female friend when suddenly, my ex-girlfriend comes running down the street and says, "So, you're cheating on me with this slut, huh?!" We've been separated for a decade now. FML

by RipeFlame / 01/13/2015 at 10:05pm / United States (Florida) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my pet lizard eating my other pet lizard. FML