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Today, I was awoken by the sound of my pet lizard eating my other pet lizard. FML

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

by edible / 05/20/2009 at 4:01pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

by Brittany / 04/10/2009 at 4:07pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my boyfriend of a year told me he is at the point in his life where he is ready to start a family, get married and have a baby. He also casually stated that he wished he could meet someone he could see himself settling down with. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2009 at 11:18am / United States (Indiana) / Kids

Today, I rented a car that has a smart key. The proximity of the key determines if the doors will unlock. I went to a meeting and returned to the car with the trunk popped open and all my luggage gone. The rental company decided to store a spare key in the glovebox for safe keeping. FML

by NoKeyNoCar / 08/13/2009 at 2:42am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

by BadassNinja / 09/05/2009 at 12:22pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard mom talking about how my youngest sister was the only one who used the money from the insurance settlement from my dad's death responsibly. I was in my first semester of college when she cashed in mine for a vacation. I had to drop out. FML

by Anonymous / 09/14/2009 at 11:03am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was searching for a travel bag. I looked in my parents room for one. I found one alright, with all there sex toys in it. FML

by R-R-R-Ray / 09/25/2009 at 10:37am / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Intimacy

Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML

by tracey / 10/19/2009 at 5:12pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

by SatelliteUser / 12/03/2009 at 3:13pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Love

Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML

by ceilingssuck / 02/17/2010 at 3:18pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, after threatening my son for weeks that if he didn't clean his room, I would, I went in, equipped with a garbage bag, ready to throw away everything I found, only to discover dozens of empty bottles, two partially empty pizza boxes, Taco Bell wrappers, and cockroaches. FML

by disguested / 03/04/2010 at 3:01pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

by pubes / 03/17/2010 at 9:55pm / United States (South Dakota) / Intimacy