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Today, at work, I put on a smile and went to take an elderly gentleman's order. He looked at me, asked if I'd stick a finger in his sweet tea to make it sweeter, then complained that it was a shame I wasn't "on the menu". FML

by Anonymous / 11/20/2014 at 11:20am / Canada (Quebec) / Work

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

by smalltownkid / 03/01/2015 at 6:22pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML

by Anonyme / 03/27/2015 at 5:50am / France (Bretagne) / Love

Today, it was the first time a guy has shown any interest in me by calling me pretty. I was so shocked that instead of saying thank you, I hid behind the nearest object and promptly giggle-snorted. FML

by WolfAvenge / 05/21/2015 at 4:01am / United States (Arizona) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2015 at 10:21am / Mexico / Health

Today, my mum prepared my bag for football practice. In the changing room I found one of her thongs. FML

by rob / 11/23/2008 at 5:59am / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

by fatass / 02/19/2009 at 2:36am / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2009 at 2:36pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said "Do I have to bring you?" FML

by sarahhh / 02/13/2009 at 2:18pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid c**t after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML

by nicooolea / 03/03/2009 at 3:26am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

by musicman2005 / 03/30/2009 at 12:41am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I parked downtown for a few minutes to pick up a pizza. As I was getting out of my car, a sketchy guy came up and asked me for $5. I told him to get lost and walked away. I walked back to the lot with my pizza and my car was gone. The sketchy guy was a parking attendent. He had my car towed. FML

by Anonymous / 04/23/2009 at 9:25am / United States (Georgia) / Transportation

Today, I went to the laundromat. I put a load in the dryer and walked away to check on my other load. When I came back, I saw a homeless man putting his dirty, wet underwear in the dryer with my clean clothes. FML

by beep_guacamole / 05/24/2009 at 5:49pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous