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Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML

by really? / 09/22/2013 at 10:24pm / United States / Love

Today, I got into a fight with a lawn chair. It won. FML

by what_a_loner / 11/17/2013 at 5:07pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, after finals, my English professor left me less than one percent from an A. Why? All semester long, he took away points because my opinions did not match his. FML

by opinionsarestill / 12/20/2013 at 3:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I told my boyfriend the dentist said my blood pressure was high. He was more interested in the fact that the dentist took my blood pressure than my blood pressure being high. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2014 at 10:11pm / United States (Kansas) / Health

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

by what / 06/11/2015 at 6:46pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I was Skyping with my girlfriend. I was so incredibly tired and just wanted to go to bed, but she just kept talking and wouldn't let me go. I ended up blurting "Your mom's a cunt." just to start a fight and have an excuse to hang up on her. I feel like an asshole. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2015 at 8:54pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

by Blazouta / 11/11/2008 at 3:32am / Health

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

by Anonymous / 06/05/2009 at 12:28am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

by boo! / 02/17/2009 at 3:25am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

by blotchy-girl / 07/15/2009 at 12:00am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML

by Anonymous / 07/26/2009 at 1:57am / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

by elipses / 08/22/2009 at 12:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. FML

by Mdrk783 / 09/02/2009 at 4:41am / United States / Intimacy