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Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

#20754680
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44028) - you deserved it (4844)

On 06/29/2013 at 5:49pm - love - by cheerbabeXoXo (man) - United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire)

Today, I was buying condoms but was a little embarrassed so I went to the self-check. I scanned the condoms, then a magazine and tried to put the condoms under the magazines to hide them. The store guy saw me, thought I was shoplifting and I was kicked out of the store. FML

#20801510
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42095) - you deserved it (15303)

On 07/24/2013 at 4:56pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

#20980593
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44746) - you deserved it (4095)

On 12/04/2013 at 4:15pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - Sweden (Stockholms Lan)

Today, I burned my right boob. I got it by eating a hot pocket and accidentally spilling the extremely hot filling. I never thought I'd get laid before. This has just confirmed it. FML

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

#21097153
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23142) - you deserved it (38925)

On 03/26/2014 at 6:39pm - health - by athletiks (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, in the fitting rooms at work, a 10-year-old kid threw a coat-hanger directly at my face. The kid's father didn't apologise on his behalf, but instead congratulated him on what he called "a wicked shot". FML

#21162381
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46532) - you deserved it (4232)

On 06/04/2014 at 1:07am - work - by anonymous - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

#21301160
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34810) - you deserved it (2801)

On 11/18/2014 at 12:35am - animals - by blindsparrow - United States (California)

Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML

#21184159
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42115) - you deserved it (4907)

On 06/22/2014 at 12:34pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

#21284031
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38326) - you deserved it (6862)

On 10/23/2014 at 9:25pm - intimacy - by anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, my teacher "busted" me for writing down answers on my arm for a test. The so called "answers" was just a duck my little nephew had drawn on my hand the night before. She's actually trying to get me suspended over it. FML

#21298328
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37898) - you deserved it (2449)

On 11/13/2014 at 1:17pm - misc - by really - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I found a very light blonde long hair on my marital bed's pillow. I confronted my husband about it and after hours of arguments and me throwing his stuff out of the house, I found another. Attached to my head. My husband isn't having an affair, I'm just going grey. FML

#21314908
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18559) - you deserved it (42428)

On 12/10/2014 at 7:59am - love - by mastel07 (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)

Today, I gave a presentation to my college class about life with Tourette syndrome. I only got 3 minutes into it before my asswipe classmates started yelling stuff like "Shit!", "Cock!", and "Bob Saget!" I gave up and went back to my seat in tears as our bored instructor said "Next." FML

#21334608
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37384) - you deserved it (2766)

On 01/10/2015 at 5:12pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I surprised my 7 and 1.5 year old girls with a princess dinner. I quickly realized it was a scam when the "princesses" arrived looking more suited to a bachelor party. I was able to quickly get the girls out, but have spent the evening explaining why Pocahontas was heavily tattooed. FML



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