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Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2013 at 12:16am / United States (Montana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad went snooping on my laptop, and saw that I'd recently looked up 2 Girls, 1 Cup. It was out of morbid curiosity, but he thinks I'm into "satanic porn", and confiscated every electronic device I own. Now I have to sneak to the library just to check my emails. FML

by nbj10 / 05/31/2013 at 6:42pm / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

by cheerbabeXoXo / 06/29/2013 at 5:49pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Love

Today, while texting my boyfriend, I noticed that he copies and pastes old messages so he doesn't have to write new ones. FML

Today, I resigned from my job in favor of a higher-paying one. After I filled out and filed the necessary papers, my boss told me that I had been nominated to replace him when he retired in a month. His job pays at least twice what I'm now making. Thanks for telling me, asshat. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2013 at 11:18pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, my new creative writing teacher informed the class that we should consult him before writing anything "dark or disturbing." I only took the class because my therapist recommended that I join the class so I could freely express my darker thoughts without her help or a fear of being judged. FML

by depressed / 09/03/2013 at 5:43pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML

by soannoyed / 09/22/2013 at 5:21pm / United States / Kids

Today, my girlfriend of a year denied in front of everyone that we ever dated. FML

by Zkroger / 10/23/2013 at 11:42am / United States / Love

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

by athletiks / 03/26/2014 at 6:39pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I had to give a deposition ahead of a trial in which my former boss is accused of fraud. I'm not a smart man, and I smoked a joint before heading out to try to calm my nerves. I got way too high and ended up giggling like an idiot through half the deposition. FML

by screwed / 03/20/2014 at 5:03pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was waiting for the bus, I was whistling. I saw a cute girl running and I looked at my phone so it didn't seem too awkward. I was still whistling as she passed by so it sounded like I whistled at her. She ran back to slap me. FML

by heycutie / 04/15/2014 at 12:24am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML

by Kev / 08/20/2014 at 1:53pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I found out I have an STD, courtesy of my girlfriend. Funnily enough, she was clean when we first started dating. FML

by impure / 09/29/2014 at 12:48pm / United States / Health