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Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

#20689805
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46140) - you deserved it (3453)

On 05/27/2013 at 6:15pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Utah)

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

#20731175
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42628) - you deserved it (13927)

On 06/17/2013 at 9:55am - health - by nomwar (woman) - United States

Today, I found my cat dead on the road. I called my family and told them, and later buried the cat. Not long after I got done burying it, my cat walked up to me. I buried someone else's cat. FML

#20757856
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48105) - you deserved it (10011)

On 07/01/2013 at 12:10pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Utah)

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

#20803758
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39110) - you deserved it (18637)

On 07/25/2013 at 11:15pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

#20757745
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19040) - you deserved it (59384)

On 07/01/2013 at 10:39am - work - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML

#20782878
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37201) - you deserved it (4730)

On 07/14/2013 at 9:07pm - misc - by anonymous - United States (Oregon)

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

#20788188
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46330) - you deserved it (3870)

On 07/17/2013 at 10:55am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, I got a call from the police. Apparently my son tried robbing a teenage couple, but wound up getting his ass beat by both of them. I don't know what's worse, that my 32-year-old son is a criminal, or that he got it handed to him by 15-year-olds. FML

#20797971
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42434) - you deserved it (5017)

On 07/22/2013 at 5:06pm - kids - by Parentalfailure (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

#20844009
13 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45410) - you deserved it (13961)

On 08/18/2013 at 11:56pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I finished the kayak I have been working on for four years. I can't get it out of my basement. FML

#20811304
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40142) - you deserved it (23468)

On 07/30/2013 at 10:13am - misc - by kayak probs - United States (Connecticut)

Today, my daughter and I were driving home when our truck broke down. A police officer stopped and offered to let me and my two year old sit in his car for the A/C. When we got in, I sat her on my lap, and she pulled down my tank top and screamed "Boobies!" right in front of the officer. FML

#20862202
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44043) - you deserved it (3916)

On 08/31/2013 at 7:48pm - kids - by embarrassedmom - United States

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

#20822120
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51716) - you deserved it (14627)

On 08/05/2013 at 1:58pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

#20849955
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37651) - you deserved it (3283)

On 08/22/2013 at 9:38pm - misc - by thanksad (man) - United States (California)



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