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Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2015 at 9:51am / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Love

Today, my husband and I caught our 12-year-old son "experimenting" with a 5-foot tall stuffed Mickey Mouse. He even made sure to rip Mickey's pants off. FML

by bigmouthedmommy / 04/13/2015 at 1:35am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while mowing my backyard, I messily discovered that a family of rabbits has been living out there in the tall grass. FML

by yif2 / 05/16/2015 at 7:47am / United States / Animals

Today, in a train, I did the old "I've got your nose" trick for a kid. He got off at the next stop, then waved something at me from the platform, then yelled, "I've got your keys!" FML

by jaivolétonnez / 06/17/2015 at 1:54am / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. We started getting a little frisky when we discovered we out of condoms. After a quick run to the store, we found ourselves locked out of the house. Now we have condoms, but no way to use them. FML

by AudreyUs / 12/10/2008 at 2:31pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went to an underwear shop, and an employee recommended me a push-up bra. I was wearing one. FML

by Pakundo / 01/17/2009 at 6:31am / Miscellaneous

Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML

by NoWedding / 02/10/2009 at 5:30pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

by Anonymous / 04/28/2009 at 4:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

by fml / 04/24/2009 at 9:55pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

by mk / 06/20/2009 at 1:47am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

by Anonymous / 07/02/2009 at 2:10pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I left a note on the kitchen table saying to leave the door unlocked because I lost my key. I come home to find our house ransacked and robbed. Minutes later, I found my key. In my pocket. FML

by Anonymous / 07/21/2009 at 1:16pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

by bass / 09/21/2009 at 9:50pm / United States (Illinois) / Work