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Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

#20849955
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37576) - you deserved it (3273)

On 08/22/2013 at 9:38pm - misc - by thanksad (man) - United States (California)

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML

#20874079
211 comments

I agree, your life sucks (72573) - you deserved it (4103)

On 09/09/2013 at 3:19am - love - by heartbroken - United States (California)

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

#20936013
247 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65110) - you deserved it (8605)

On 10/27/2013 at 7:46pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML

#20894309
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39688) - you deserved it (2741)

On 09/24/2013 at 12:16pm - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML

#20886441
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39284) - you deserved it (17092)

On 09/18/2013 at 10:53am - animals - by OldHabitsDieHard - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my girlfriend walked in on me taking a dump, and started plucking her eyebrows. When I told her I was uncomfortable, she said, "Aww, is my baby's poo shy? Is it, is it?" and pinched my cheek. FML

#20900665
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41314) - you deserved it (6909)

On 09/29/2013 at 3:21pm - misc - by noweddingforyou (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

#20908147
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43767) - you deserved it (3141)

On 10/05/2013 at 9:51am - animals - by Mike Messenger - United States (Florida)

Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML

#20910133
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42181) - you deserved it (2869)

On 10/06/2013 at 9:11pm - kids - by TeddyBearKiller (woman) - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

#20928358
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43005) - you deserved it (3314)

On 10/20/2013 at 11:51pm - kids - by momaaa1342 - United States (Illinois)

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

#20936339
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45296) - you deserved it (3144)

On 10/28/2013 at 12:51am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

#20968136
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43666) - you deserved it (4385)

On 11/23/2013 at 4:57pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - Argentina

Today, I got a concussion. It was when an entire shelf of bicycle helmets tumbled onto my skull. FML

#20954433
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38446) - you deserved it (2832)

On 11/11/2013 at 9:14pm - health - by myheadhurts (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I jack off "real weird." FML

#20957730
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48288) - you deserved it (15395)

On 11/14/2013 at 5:15pm - intimacy - by jack s.b. (man) - United States (Texas)



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