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Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

by annoyed / 01/22/2015 at 3:23pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2015 at 9:51am / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Love

Today, my husband and I caught our 12-year-old son "experimenting" with a 5-foot tall stuffed Mickey Mouse. He even made sure to rip Mickey's pants off. FML

by bigmouthedmommy / 04/13/2015 at 1:35am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend murmured his sister's name during sex. Before you say he was thinking of someone else with the same name, I've only ever met one person in our town called Nohemi. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2015 at 12:38am / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

by cane / 03/05/2009 at 4:44pm / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation

Today, I overheard a conversation two of my friends were having about Homer, so I interjected with a quip about a Simpson's episode I had seen before. They were talking about the poet. I'm an AP literature student. FML

by apenglishstudent / 03/31/2009 at 1:12am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

by Anonymous / 04/28/2009 at 4:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2009 at 11:34pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

by fml / 04/24/2009 at 9:55pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

by 0ptimu5 / 09/11/2009 at 12:39am / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

by whatproject / 09/24/2009 at 5:50am / United States (Hawaii) / Work

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

by ThatTrafficCone / 10/04/2009 at 1:48am / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML

by Konstantine / 10/05/2009 at 9:55am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love