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Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about how I'm jealous of her best guy friend always hanging around her. She responded by saying, "Wait, I thought you knew I was dating him too?" FML

Today, I've been getting calls for over a week on my home phone, cell phone, and the work phone at my night shift, in which someone whispers terrifying Satanic-sounding chants at me. I've now found out that the caller is my best "friend". His explanation: "You seemed lonely, man." FML

#20820394
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42795) - you deserved it (4237)

On 08/04/2013 at 2:07pm - misc - by newbffswelcome (man) - Vietnam (Ha Noi)

Today, I got a call from the police. Apparently my son tried robbing a teenage couple, but wound up getting his ass beat by both of them. I don't know what's worse, that my 32-year-old son is a criminal, or that he got it handed to him by 15-year-olds. FML

#20797971
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42237) - you deserved it (4987)

On 07/22/2013 at 5:06pm - kids - by Parentalfailure (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd ask his dad if it was okay. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "come on, dad" and "but why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML

#20824090
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55856) - you deserved it (4625)

On 08/06/2013 at 4:35pm - love - by (._. ) (woman) - United States (Iowa)

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

#20822120
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51480) - you deserved it (14578)

On 08/05/2013 at 1:58pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

#20849955
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37536) - you deserved it (3264)

On 08/22/2013 at 9:38pm - misc - by thanksad (man) - United States (California)

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

#20936013
250 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64946) - you deserved it (8585)

On 10/27/2013 at 7:46pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML

#20894309
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39581) - you deserved it (2732)

On 09/24/2013 at 12:16pm - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML

#20894038
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49142) - you deserved it (2995)

On 09/24/2013 at 3:15am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

#20908147
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43722) - you deserved it (3138)

On 10/05/2013 at 9:51am - animals - by Mike Messenger - United States (Florida)

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

#20928358
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41465) - you deserved it (3179)

On 10/20/2013 at 11:51pm - kids - by momaaa1342 - United States (Illinois)

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

#20936339
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45203) - you deserved it (3138)

On 10/28/2013 at 12:51am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML

#20938804
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40694) - you deserved it (4519)

On 10/30/2013 at 3:03am - animals - by meow (woman) - United States



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  • Oi! Stop "playing" that digeridoo and get out! There, now that I've tidied up my apartment, we can begin. How are you all doing? Have you got your leather jacket out of storage to go hang out down at…

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