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Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML

by CUCKOO / 10/26/2013 at 5:27pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML

by peepeepainter / 01/06/2014 at 9:25pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend texted me, telling me to come home quickly, because she had a "surprise" waiting for me. I convinced my boss to let me go home, and rushed out. Turns out the "surprise" was just that she'd bought herself a pet bunny. FML

by Galaxy / 03/29/2014 at 1:03pm / Belgium (Limburg) / Animals

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

by deathstar3548 / 09/22/2014 at 6:58am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2014 at 8:51pm / United States (Indiana) / Animals

Today, I received a phone call from the counselor at my son's preschool, requesting that I come pick him up. He was barking incessantly at his classmates. And when they asked him to stop, he growled. FML

by misfitunfit / 03/12/2015 at 4:50pm / United States (California) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom found my weed stash and went berserk, grounding me and saying she's going to have my bedroom door removed. Less than an hour later, I found her laughing and smoking the same stash with my dad in the backyard. FML

by lehonX9 / 06/06/2015 at 5:11am / Germany (Niedersachsen) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a "party" with the boy whom I am interested in. It was the first time I met his friends. Turns out he and all his friends are hardcore Christians who don't drink and are celibate. FML

by Durrrrrr / 01/23/2009 at 8:03pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

by BlueBallMcGee / 05/11/2009 at 8:08am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

by anon / 06/19/2009 at 12:53pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, after dieting and working out for almost 3 months, I sit down on my chair to finish off some work. It broke. FML

by babasheep / 06/20/2009 at 1:17am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I quit my job because my company wouldn't give me the raise I've been asking for for 2 years. I just saw the ad on Craigslist for my replacement position. The starting salary is above what I was asking for. FML

by taylorgo / 07/16/2009 at 2:50pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was baby sitting my little cousin when we decided to go outside and have a "treasure hunt" in the backyard. The first thing we found? The bones of her pet dog that had passed away four years ago. FML

by Nikki / 08/03/2009 at 9:26am / United States (Georgia) / Animals