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Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

by max / 10/23/2014 at 7:30pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily. This wouldn't be a problem except he's been telling people I hit him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

by Grrrreat / 02/04/2015 at 10:16am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Intimacy

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML

by not picking up / 03/20/2015 at 1:50pm / Slovenia (Skofljica) / Love

Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML

by Pepe / 11/16/2008 at 12:54am / Love

Today, I decided to teach my dog not to be scared of the vacuum cleaner. I grab the handle and get it close to her. She runs off and hides behind the couch and pisses everywhere. FML

by Slaanesh / 12/12/2008 at 7:08am / Animals

Today, at work I got a message from some dude trying to flirt with me. While I was cracking up and making fun of him with my friends, I get a message from him saying look directly behind you, and there he was staring at me. FML

by godhatesme / 01/26/2009 at 6:14pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

by nerd / 03/02/2009 at 10:20pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

by JRock / 02/22/2009 at 3:41pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. All of the workers started making a fuss and whistling, etc. Naturally, I got very flustered. I stood still for a second and faced them. One yelled for me to move because I was in the way of a girl at a stop light. FML

by Noname / 03/08/2009 at 7:40pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML

by Thithien1 / 04/01/2009 at 2:07am / Korea Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi) / Transportation

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

by mannnnn / 07/08/2009 at 1:21am / Work

Today, I got into a car accident. The car I hit belongs to my girlfriend's father. We never met before. He believes strongly in "first impressions." FML

by LevKin / 07/30/2009 at 3:20am / Canada (Quebec) / Transportation

Today, I slipped walking down the stairs. My mom thought I sprained my right ankle. In her haste to get me to the doctor, she grabbed me and accidentally tripped me. I broke my left ankle. The right one was fine. FML

by dannyfanny / 08/28/2009 at 4:59pm / United States (California) / Health