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Today, stood in line for hours to see the new Harry Potter. Unfortunately, once inside the theater, I was stuck in the bathroom with the runs for the entire length of the movie. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2010 at 4:20pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML

by MakeItMaaco / 07/11/2011 at 1:56pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, my new boss lost his shit and flew into a ten minute rant against me about the "value of respect". He told me that if I wanted to stay in "his" company, I'd best start toeing the line. All this because I corrected his misuse of "your" and "you're" in one of his memos. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2011 at 8:11am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, we found out where our daughter had been hiding her crayons. We also found out why our stereo stopped working. FML

by Peter / 12/26/2011 at 9:24pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML

by tbw / 01/11/2012 at 7:31pm / United States (Kansas) / Health

Today, I replaced my car's windscreen wipers, after someone stole the last pair. After I finished, I went indoors for a drink. When I returned, the new ones had been stolen too. FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2012 at 1:56pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, what started as my mom calling my grandma for a recipe turned into them discussing the philosophical reason behind my baking. I apparently picked up baking because I'm depressed over unemployment. And here I thought I just liked the smell of baked goods. FML

by Shortcake / 07/04/2012 at 9:48pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom and I went to Best Buy for some Christmas shopping. She picked up some presents for me and told me not to look at what she was buying. When we got to the register, she didn't have enough money, and I ended up having to buy my own presents. FML

by dude, where's my balls? :( / 12/22/2012 at 3:25pm / United States (Alaska) / Money

Today, I unknowingly bought a house next to a former toxic waste dump. I found out by reading an article in the paper where residents are claiming that they are experiencing cancer and birth defects. FML

by toxic waste / 02/11/2013 at 11:18pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

by maced face / 02/05/2013 at 12:45pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

by the other man / 08/27/2013 at 11:11pm / United States (Arkansas) / Love

Today, I went to see a therapist for help with my severe fear of spiders. The therapist held a big spider in a box inches away from my face. I ran to the back of the room and asked him why. He responded with, "Aren't therapists supposed to help you face your fears?" I'm paying $150 an hour. FML

by no that does not help / 08/20/2013 at 9:41am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML

by CUCKOO / 10/26/2013 at 5:27pm / United Kingdom / Love