Choose the period

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, I was cleaning a pan. I turned the water on, and it was super hot. My reaction was to slam my hand down. On a knife. So, not only do I have a burned hand, but there's also a huge cut on it from the knife. FML

by HarvestMoon_gal / 07/24/2010 at 1:09am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, while cleaning behind a ladder, I banged my head on one of the hand rails. I stood up, cursed, and moved to the other side. To my luck, I hit the other side of my head. I now have two lumps perfectly placed as horns on my head. FML

by login_eddy / 09/17/2010 at 2:37pm / Work

Today, I went to see Jackass 3 in 3D. While the previews were playing, some guy sitting next to me leaned over and began telling me what happens in every scene, completely ruining the movie for me. He tried to get my number afterwards. FML

by dcait_1196 / 10/16/2010 at 9:14am / Love

Today, my house is suffering from an infestation of these tiny black beetles. After brushing my teeth tonight, I was rinsing out my toothbrush when I found that one of the beetles had curled up to die between the bristles. FML

by twice-a-day / 11/18/2010 at 12:04am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, my wife and I had one of the biggest arguments we've ever had, which resulted in her leaving, going to her parents' house and calling me twice, screaming and sobbing. The argument was over a seven dollar bottle of wine. Apparently, she was "saving it for a special occasion." FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2010 at 9:02pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted get to know my mom, so they went off and had a chat. After an hour, I noticed my girlfriend was gone and my mom was waiting for me. Apparently I've been dumped through my mother. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2010 at 4:50pm / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, my mum is convinced I'm a hoarder. While I was out of the house, she went through my room and threw out stuff I "don't need." This included $500 worth of textbooks, a flash drive with crucial work on it, and my phone charger. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 6:38am / Australia (New South Wales) / Money

Today, the clerk at Walmart asked me if the stretch mark cream I was buying was for my wife. I wish I could've said yes. FML

by random0605 / 09/29/2011 at 1:01am / United States (Utah) / Health

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

by nolife / 12/29/2011 at 7:03am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

by foxyreegan / 02/04/2012 at 12:22am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

by rozziepop / 03/30/2012 at 1:37am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I realized that the reason there is no toilet paper in the house is because both my parents are too stubborn to be the one who goes out to buy more. It's been five days. FML

by whinywiper / 05/25/2012 at 11:10am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

by the bad artist / 09/09/2012 at 8:12pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Work