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Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

by mislead / 09/22/2014 at 12:43pm / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

by Anonymous / 04/15/2015 at 6:52pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex, and he asked me to tell him what I wanted him to do. I said I wanted him to make me scream and cum. To which he replied, "Okay, be realistic now". FML

Today, I realized that I know more about the history of the Transformers than I do about talking to women. FML

by AwesomePGnarles / 02/13/2009 at 3:17am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML

by murphslaw / 03/29/2009 at 1:15am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

by ihatelongflights / 08/21/2009 at 12:18pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I called my girlfriend's parent to ask for her hand in marriage. They were shocked and told me that they would have to refuse. Apparently my girlfriend had told them last week that she had met someone new at work and didn't know how to break it off with me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2009 at 3:39am / Korea Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. At the end of the night I got a cab ride home. I must have passed out because when I woke up I wasn’t at my place, but my parent’s house, which is the address on my license…120 miles away. The fare was $220. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2009 at 4:12am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or texted me since. FML

by bigdawg702 / 09/26/2009 at 1:34am / United States / Love

Today, I surprised my boyfriend at work, only to notice that his neck was covered in hickies. The night before, he texted me saying he needed alone time to get his mind together. Looks like he got together with another mind. FML

by LonelyHeart / 10/22/2009 at 8:09am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I decided to head out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

by watchmaker / 12/16/2009 at 4:37am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2009 at 9:12pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, I woke up to a quite frigid room, which wasn't out of the ordinary since my building's heat is broken. But I realized that the extra cold I was feeling was due to the snow piled up on my bed. It had snowed 20 inches last night. My mom had apparently opened my window. FML

by Lapis / 12/20/2009 at 2:42pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous