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Today, I thought I lost my wallet. Canceled my bank cards. Bought a new wallet. Got a $141 parking fine at the motor registry while getting my replacement license which also cost me $22. Went to go to the gym and when I went to put my bike jacket on, felt something inside the sleeve. My wallet. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2010 at 2:00am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

by danikka1 / 03/11/2010 at 12:13pm / United States / Love

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML

by Ugh... / 07/20/2010 at 4:15am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, a 75 year old lady drove into me. Her excuse was, "I wasn't looking." Awesome. FML

by hurricane0331 / 06/23/2010 at 9:51pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I was driving through my neighborhood when I heard a siren. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a motorcycle, so I pulled over. The motorcycle drove by, and it turned out to be an old lady with a leather jacket. The siren was in a song on the radio. FML

by joshualover / 09/22/2010 at 10:29pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

by Anonymous / 09/24/2010 at 10:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2010 at 12:28am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

by SODbeatlesMCRlp / 11/19/2010 at 11:54am / United States / Health

Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. FML

by Username / 12/21/2010 at 12:09am / Intimacy

Today, my friend commented on my short skirt and, thinking she was being funny, tried to pull it down. I quickly moved away, causing it to come off in her hands. My shocked scream attracted the attention of at least a dozen bystanders. FML

by glam300 / 12/30/2010 at 1:21pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, during a dinner party, some friends brought up how sweet, innocent and caring they thought I was. I had to sit there as my drunk boyfriend cut them off and loudly argue that I was neither sweet nor innocent, and really nothing that special at all. FML

by Lily / 01/08/2011 at 11:01am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

by Username / 01/11/2011 at 4:45am / Love

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2011 at 11:05pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals