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Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

#20466497
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31462) - you deserved it (5391)

On 01/18/2013 at 3:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

#20486554
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24418) - you deserved it (2083)

On 01/30/2013 at 5:50pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

#20485057
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25709) - you deserved it (37046)

On 01/29/2013 at 5:39pm - intimacy - by notsobig - United States

Today, it's been two days since my upstairs neighbour's toilet started flooding both our apartments. I have to go to the bathroom with an umbrella. FML

#20471583
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28764) - you deserved it (2323) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 01/21/2013 at 3:24pm - misc - by normal - France (Midi-Pyrenees)

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

#20501864
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24225) - you deserved it (9632)

On 02/11/2013 at 2:19am - love - by mr_loveless (man) - United States

Today, during lunch, my coworker offered me her food, claiming she was full. I was still quite hungry, so I accepted it. Halfway through eating the sandwiches, my boss walked in and started interrogating people over who took his lunch. I quickly realized I was the one eating it. FML

#20479916
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32025) - you deserved it (3568)

On 01/26/2013 at 3:44pm - work - by FUCK THE PIGS (man) - United States (California)

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

#20495981
43 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23292) - you deserved it (2845)

On 02/06/2013 at 6:14pm - misc - by Anonymous - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

#20500417
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34489) - you deserved it (3297)

On 02/10/2013 at 12:17am - misc - by Totallyscrewed - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML

#20491476
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40098) - you deserved it (4883)

On 02/03/2013 at 11:27am - intimacy - by Anonymous - Serbia

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

#20510258
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22192) - you deserved it (18708)

On 02/17/2013 at 1:01am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I found out that my wife makes mashed potatoes by using her dirty feet to crush the potatoes because apparently this is a "healthy, natural" way to make them, and it also cleans her feet. I've been eating her mashed potatoes at least once every week. FML

#20531751
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45764) - you deserved it (4403)

On 03/05/2013 at 12:25am - misc - by Anonymous (man) -

Today, I finally made a Facebook account after being home-schooled my entire life. I friended people that I know and their friends, and subsequently sparked a debate on whether or not I exist. FML

#20523906
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27585) - you deserved it (3670)

On 02/27/2013 at 12:03am - misc - by thepokemonkid - United States (Connecticut)

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

#20531914
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8885) - you deserved it (68215)

On 03/05/2013 at 3:48am - work - by is there a environmental scientist in the house? - United States (California)



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