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Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML

by Shitmetalseller / 08/02/2014 at 6:37pm / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Work

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend..." FML

by Anonymous / 08/04/2014 at 7:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I saw what my mom handed out for trick-or-treaters last night. Toothbrushes. Yup, we're that house. FML

by ThaBoss12 / 11/01/2014 at 6:22pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

by HereToLaughAtU / 11/17/2014 at 11:16pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

by ItGirl / 11/08/2014 at 9:36pm / Sweden (Sodermanlands Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son trained his little sister to walk up to strangers and whimper: "My mommy punches me." FML

by uterurist / 11/22/2014 at 1:37pm / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

by sorry :/ / 02/08/2015 at 1:28pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2015 at 3:03am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML

by hobbled / 06/17/2015 at 3:18pm / United States / Transportation

Today, my grandparents are in town for the weekend and are staying in our guest bedroom. This morning I went upstairs to get a drink of water only to see my 75 year old grandfather standing stark naked with the fridge door open. He then asks me if we have any coffee creamer. FML

by Anonymous / 05/05/2009 at 9:39pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

by badboyfriend101 / 05/12/2009 at 11:22am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, we had to have our vet put our horse down. Afterwards we were discussing burial options. We then find the cat with a broken neck. Had to have her put down also. Now we have animal services questioning us for animal abuse. FML

by farmwithnobarn / 05/30/2009 at 1:48am / United States (Florida) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was at the gym with my friends when they invited me to do a few bench presses. Since I'd never done any before, I decided to start with no weights on the bar and work my way up from there. I wound up pinned beneath the bar, calling for my friend to come free me. FML

by MarcusJones713 / 04/08/2009 at 7:17am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous