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Today, I was at home and my boyfriend called me and said that I'd left my G-string at his house. I only have one G-string and I was wearing it. FML

by flipraff101 / 10/14/2009 at 5:20am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

by JZ / 10/30/2009 at 9:34am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML

by bird-brain / 11/21/2009 at 7:19am / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Animals

Today, while at work, I was picking up paper in the bathroom. In one stall I saw what I thought was a wadded piece of the brown paper to dry your hands. It wasn't until I realized it was sticking to my bare hand that I realized it was feces. Human feces. FML

by Oddity_C / 11/24/2009 at 8:00pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was watching 'Caillou'. It was a Christmas special for pre-schoolers. I was quite enjoying myself, when it hit me that my kid had been in bed for an hour. I forget what adult TV is. FML

by Jen / 12/27/2009 at 8:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I met my boyfriends mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp comes up from my throat. And not only that. A small chunk of mucus flies out and lands on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 7:06pm / United States (Hawaii) / Animals

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

by owmyballs / 12/17/2009 at 11:34am / Thailand (Krung Thep) / Miscellaneous

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2010 at 2:45am / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

by nocatlover / 01/21/2010 at 4:40pm / United States / Kids

Today, I went to throw out the garbage outside. I noticed at the bottom of my can was a lot of rice. I was angry at my brother for making a mess. As I went to clean it up, the rice moved. It wasn't rice, it was maggots. FML

by SayWhat / 02/25/2010 at 6:46am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

by Renesmeekuhnell / 02/28/2010 at 11:00am / Denmark (Arhus) / Work

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML

by Ugh... / 07/20/2010 at 4:15am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2010 at 5:16am / Canada (Yukon Territory) / Love