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Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

#20567711
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37403) - you deserved it (2450)

On 03/31/2013 at 12:14am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

#20582376
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50485) - you deserved it (4974)

On 04/09/2013 at 4:42pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

#20547294
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28258) - you deserved it (49408)

On 03/17/2013 at 5:07am - intimacy - by Cliché... or Touché? -

Today, my 2-year-old daughter and my 27-year-old husband both woke me up in the early hours of the morning. Their complaints were the same: they'd both wet the bed. FML

#20555313
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34027) - you deserved it (2620)

On 03/22/2013 at 5:53pm - misc - by sickness and health my sphincter (woman) - Singapore

Today, I learned that if not for my grandfather gifting my dad $200, I would have been named Anthrax. FML

#20552804
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31467) - you deserved it (2458)

On 03/20/2013 at 9:11pm - misc - by cheeseburglar_9000 (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I got dumped during sex. FML

#20563466
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67300) - you deserved it (9184)

On 03/28/2013 at 6:02am - intimacy - by Bigfatfailure (man) - United States (California)

Today, after paying for my groceries, I noticed that a bread-roll hadn't been charged. I felt guilty and went back to the register to pay for it. The cashier burst into derisive laughter and mockingly asked me if I was "running for Pope or something". FML

Today, while shopping for a birthday present for my size 0 friend, I picked out a pair of pants for her. When paying, the cashier looked me up and down and said, "Well, you're pretty optimistic aren't you?" FML

#20574572
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46260) - you deserved it (3847)

On 04/04/2013 at 11:12am - misc - by NotASize0 (woman) - Denmark

Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML

#20615694
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (70698) - you deserved it (9336)

On 04/23/2013 at 12:08pm - intimacy - by Soundofaboner - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML

#20604154
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48027) - you deserved it (9416)

On 04/19/2013 at 1:14am - intimacy - by Anonymous - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old daughter lying on her bed, repeatedly opening and closing her legs. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Trying to queef. I saw it online." FML

#20605608
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54786) - you deserved it (6852)

On 04/19/2013 at 6:04pm - kids - by reyoflight (man) - Brazil (Rio de Janeiro)

Today, I walked in on my sister apparently trying to eat herself out. FML

#20637584
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69995) - you deserved it (7862)

On 05/02/2013 at 7:54pm - intimacy - by future brain bleach addict (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my new landlord and lettings agent made an illegal entry into my house. Unfortunately, at the time my boyfriend was buck naked, smoking a joint on the sofa, surrounded by the cats we aren't supposed to have. FML

#20620173
162 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29482) - you deserved it (43348)

On 04/25/2013 at 2:28am - misc - by goingtobeevicted - United Kingdom (London, City of)



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