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Today, it's my mom's birthday. I woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday. When I awoke in the morning, I decided to bake her a cake. Little did I know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate. I wasn't invited. FML

by thissucks / 02/21/2011 at 5:20pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to a text message from my boyfriend, breaking up with me. When I commented on his impeccably bad timing, he admitted he'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

by misswhiskers / 02/28/2011 at 6:21am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, the lease on my house ended and I finished moving in with my girlfriend. After everything was moved in, she broke up with me. Hello homelessness. FML

by Username / 04/30/2011 at 11:16pm / United States / Love

Today, my dad awkwardly asked me how to selectively clear his browser history. Apparently, my mom discovered his browsing habits and tore him a new one for looking at "nothing but vile smut". FML

by dadisgoatboy / 06/11/2011 at 2:37am / Switzerland (Aargau) / Intimacy

Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

by Ashleighx94 / 07/04/2011 at 8:00pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2011 at 5:36pm / United Kingdom (Solihull) / Work

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

by NJ <3 / 01/10/2012 at 10:34am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, everyone in my house has a horrible stomach flu. My two toddler nephews don't understand that they need to throw up in the bathroom, so they just blow chunks everywhere. I have to clean it up, while trying not to do the same. FML

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

by Matt / 04/28/2012 at 2:28pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy

Today, while cooking, I managed to burn my finger. I quickly turned the tap on and ran my finger under cold water, but apparently someone had just used the hot tap, because boiling water flooded out onto my nicely scalded finger. FML

by burnt / 08/13/2012 at 12:43am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

by Christmas sucks / 12/23/2012 at 8:03pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

Today, I realized I'm so lonely that I get comfort from hearing my neighbor snore through my apartment wall. FML

by LilRedRiding_27 / 01/13/2013 at 2:24am / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

by itsjustwill / 01/16/2013 at 7:35pm / United States (Washington) / Work