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Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 3:26pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Love

Today, at dinner, my downstair's neighbors described how they can listen to most of my movements, including the buzz of my phone when I text late at night. I think all of us knew it is not my phone that vibrates at that time. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 2:57am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen to it all, so I listened to the first 30 seconds of it to get a feel for it. It was nice and uplifting, so I sent it to my mom. Turns out, after the first 30 seconds, the singer brightens his day by singing about his enormous penis. FML

by Microtron / 03/02/2015 at 7:48pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, during a family game of "Cards Against Humanity," I had to explain to my mom what queefing is. FML

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2015 at 11:23am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML

by hobbled / 06/17/2015 at 3:18pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic and to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her... Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML

by IEatDammit / 01/29/2009 at 10:26pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if i could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2009 at 11:51am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my wife and I were out with another couple we're friends with. When we went back to their house we looked at old pictures. They showed us a great picture, and I said "It would've been a lot better if that fat chick didn't ruin it in the background." It was the woman from the couple. FML

by stelno / 06/18/2009 at 9:33am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

by jessica / 02/17/2009 at 6:56pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

by Jong / 03/09/2009 at 10:35pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

by anonymous / 03/22/2009 at 8:38pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2009 at 1:22am / United States (Alabama) / Work