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Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2014 at 1:02am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

by Stellarum / 08/18/2014 at 11:13am / Mexico (Distrito Federal) / Kids

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

by Fennec / 08/11/2014 at 3:05pm / Love

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

by Anonymous / 09/15/2014 at 11:51am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, the girl I'd been dating online for 6 months told me she was a guy. I said it was alright, and that I was still in love. Then she confessed she really was a girl, and was just trying to make me dump her so she wouldn't be the "bad guy". FML

by Recluse / 11/21/2014 at 1:18pm / Love

Today, on my second day at my new job, a customer called my manager with a complaint about me. He said I put the cheese "upside down" on his sandwich, and that made it taste bad. FML

by LexiD19 / 07/31/2015 at 6:56pm / United States (South Carolina) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML

by Noname / 01/07/2009 at 10:07am / United Kingdom (Wokingham) / Intimacy

Today, at lunch, I told a bunch of people how I had been in love with this guy since freshman year. I made a bunch of jokes about how I was going to marry him and our kids would be so attractive. He was at the table next to mine and looked back at me as soon as I finished. FML

by Noname / 01/23/2009 at 12:31pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I was in the park for a walk when a ball rolled to my feet. Figuring it belonged to the kids not far off, I wound back and kicked. The ball had actually been kicked by someone else for their dog to chase and I ended up punting it in the head. FML

by steph / 06/01/2009 at 12:50am / Canada (British Columbia) / Money

Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking for her after the divorce. It turns out it was my ex pretending to be my daughter so she could track me down. FML

by toad / 02/11/2009 at 9:06pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML

by brokenkneechick / 02/07/2009 at 2:26am / United States (Connecticut) / Transportation

Today, while teaching English in Korea, my boss gave me a birthday present from her and all of my co-workers. It was a really fancy box. It had very nice wrapping. It had a pretty bow. It was kind of heavy. It was 6 bottles of dandruff shampoo. FML

by eslteacher / 05/13/2009 at 12:39am / Korea Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi) / Work