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Today, I used the bathroom that the high school shares with elementary kids. As I was pulling my pants down, my phone fell out of my pocket into the other stall. As I was reaching for it, the little girl in the other stall took it and ran away. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2009 at 5:02pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I was teaching a special techniques class for ballet and was focusing on pirouettes. I was teaching a group of 8 year olds, and one student could do perfect triple turns one after the other. I still can't do them, and I've been dancing for 15 years. FML

by JJ101 / 02/19/2010 at 6:52am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I found out that I will be spending my spring break alone because my family is going to France. I can't go with them nor go with any of my friends because I have to take care of the cat. FML

by LG / 03/17/2010 at 12:18am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML

by Username / 08/31/2010 at 8:35pm / Kids

Today, I fell and got a nasty cut above my right eye. The doctor in the ER sealed the wound with surgical glue. He also glued his glove to my eyebrow, and let glue run onto my eyelid. Not only do I have a scar and medical bill, I now have no eyebrow or eyelashes on my right eye. FML

by Dante / 01/06/2011 at 7:26pm / Health

Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML

by Spike / 03/29/2011 at 2:08pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML

by romea244 / 08/14/2011 at 4:17am / United States (Puerto Rico) / Animals

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

by pagvscgrac / 03/13/2012 at 12:03am / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I was forced to listen to a client rant about her lackluster sexual encounters with her husband. I was also given a rather detailed description of his manhood. Apparently, it's small. FML

by raraisbang / 06/18/2012 at 9:07pm / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to a BBQ. The night was going well until I had to wrestle car keys away from my intoxicated mother in front of all my friends. FML

by Anonymous / 08/07/2012 at 2:16am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

by theotherotherguy / 09/27/2012 at 1:22am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

by La Guigne / 04/08/2013 at 5:10pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

by WTF? / 10/03/2013 at 12:42pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous