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Today, I found out that I will be spending my spring break alone because my family is going to France. I can't go with them nor go with any of my friends because I have to take care of the cat. FML

by LG / 03/17/2010 at 12:18am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML

by Username / 08/31/2010 at 8:35pm / Kids

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

by barman / 07/17/2010 at 4:51pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

Today, I found out that the foundation I've been using for the past month isn't normal foundation, its skin darkening foundation. I look like an oompa loompa from the neck up. It won't go away for another month. FML

by Anonymous / 08/14/2010 at 12:35pm / United Kingdom (Scottish Borders) / Health

Today, I fell and got a nasty cut above my right eye. The doctor in the ER sealed the wound with surgical glue. He also glued his glove to my eyebrow, and let glue run onto my eyelid. Not only do I have a scar and medical bill, I now have no eyebrow or eyelashes on my right eye. FML

by Dante / 01/06/2011 at 7:26pm / Health

Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML

by Spike / 03/29/2011 at 2:08pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2011 at 8:53pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML

by romea244 / 08/14/2011 at 4:17am / United States (Puerto Rico) / Animals

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

by pagvscgrac / 03/13/2012 at 12:03am / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I was forced to listen to a client rant about her lackluster sexual encounters with her husband. I was also given a rather detailed description of his manhood. Apparently, it's small. FML

by raraisbang / 06/18/2012 at 9:07pm / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went to a BBQ. The night was going well until I had to wrestle car keys away from my intoxicated mother in front of all my friends. FML

by Anonymous / 08/07/2012 at 2:16am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

by theotherotherguy / 09/27/2012 at 1:22am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

by La Guigne / 04/08/2013 at 5:10pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Miscellaneous