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Today, it was my birthday. I only got one message, from my dad, which was a sexual image meant for my mother. FML

by Anonymous / 04/11/2014 at 9:40pm / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML

by Anonymous / 06/15/2014 at 3:22pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, an attractive guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He was friendly and sweet, and gave me his number. As I walked away, my first thought was that someone had played a cruel joke on me. I've had such awful relationships that I can't recognize when someone is actually being sincere. FML

by criley / 06/23/2014 at 9:56pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I told my husband that I didn't feel like he loved me. He looked away and replied, "Fair enough". FML

by mymumdidntloveme / 06/30/2014 at 11:59pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

by WasntWorthIt / 07/30/2014 at 1:04pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I found my son trying to comb his hair with scissors. He's the same kid who thought that if he ate toothpaste, he would never have to brush his teeth again. FML

by berryjones11024 / 09/14/2014 at 10:35am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

by angryman / 12/28/2014 at 4:07am / Kids

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

by harry / 12/06/2008 at 2:51am / Geek

Today, I was walking my new dog and saw this girl that I've had a crush on for months. When I approached her, I tried to look 'macho' with my dog. However my dog thought it would be more attractive to pee on my leg. FML

by chris / 06/09/2009 at 1:09pm / United States (Connecticut) / Animals

Today, I was late to work and couldn't get my gas tank open. Panicking, I asked the only person around to help me who happened to be a very large man. He was able to open it for me and seemed really nice. That is until he pulled out a knife and robbed me. FML

by unfortunate / 06/09/2009 at 7:12pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML

by angela / 06/12/2009 at 12:06am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

by Ipickthegoodones / 06/26/2009 at 2:43am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that sitting in the back of your car from 8-9 p.m. talking with a friend in a park area is suspicious enough behavior to have cops called on you, then for backup to arrive. FML

by suspiciouspeople / 08/05/2009 at 1:09am / United States (Texas) / Transportation