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Saturday 30 April 2016

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Today, as I was cleaning up after my two year-old, I found a pair of lacy underwear in his toy box. Not only are they not mine, but now I have to ask my husband if he's cheating on me. Or ask my babysitter if she's being having fun, instead of actually babysitting. FML

by Whyme? / 04/27/2016 at 10:39pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum is on a week-long trip. Everything was fine, until I realised she forgot to leave me any money. Now I'm out of food. FML

Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing and cut through the headphone wire. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2016 at 1:38am / United Kingdom (Telford and Wrekin) / Animals

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

by Nasty / 04/25/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, at school, I wore a back brace because I have fractured vertebrae. During first period, a girl tapped me on the back to ask me a question. It made a "knocking on wood" sound. She looked at me like I was a freak. FML

by Drew / 04/25/2016 at 10:21pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I watched my high school crush pull into the parking spot next to me, and then almost immediately he started backing out once he saw me parked next to him. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2016 at 12:34am / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

by TheLifguard95 / 04/26/2016 at 7:49pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I got pulled over by the cops for swerving a lot while driving. I tried to explain that my dog bit the back of my neck, but as soon as I opened my door to show him the bite marks and the dog, it ran out of the car. I still can't find him. FML

by anon / 04/26/2016 at 8:11pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, my fiancé tells me he loves me about 100 times a day. At first it was cute, but now it's getting really annoying. We can't have a conversation without him throwing in about 10 "I love you"s. I'm beginning to not want to talk to him anymore. FML

by Jane / 04/27/2016 at 11:58pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

by MrDanito / 04/28/2016 at 2:21am / Czech Republic (Stredocesky kraj) / Intimacy

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

by AintEasyBeinWheezy / 04/28/2016 at 2:26pm / United States / Health

Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

by welcome to the neighborhood / 04/28/2016 at 7:35pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my second day at my new job as a bank teller. I got locked in the vault while alarms were being tested. I was in there for an hour and none of my coworkers had even noticed that I'd gone missing. Gee, thanks. FML

by heymacie / 04/28/2016 at 9:41pm / United States (West Virginia) / Work