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Saturday 17 May 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, one of my year 9 students finished the test an hour early. He decided to spend the time by "stealthily" whacking off. His entire desk was shaking in a silent room. FML

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

#21137389
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63657) - you deserved it (5420)

On 05/12/2014 at 1:17am - kids - by kids -

Today, I'm moving. While packing, I realized I hadn't seen my cat in a few hours. I called her and realized she was inside one of the hundreds of boxes in my house. I accidentally packed my cat. FML

#21139824
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44675) - you deserved it (16710)

On 05/14/2014 at 4:43pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (South Carolina)

Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it's fucking hilarious. FML

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

#21140956
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37013) - you deserved it (58196)

On 05/15/2014 at 6:57pm - intimacy - by FLIPmcCOOL - Ireland (Cork)

Today, I woke to my drunk mother trying to vacuum the lawn. FML

#21147237
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49892) - you deserved it (4241)

On 05/21/2014 at 12:05pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

#21145558
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49694) - you deserved it (5660)

On 05/19/2014 at 8:00pm - kids - by Baby eater - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I took my son to lunch. After we ate, the waitress came over and told me that my son was the most well-behaved child they had ever had there. His response was to pull his pants down and moon the entire restaurant while smacking his bottom. FML

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

#21140332
214 comments

I agree, your life sucks (71676) - you deserved it (5332)

On 05/15/2014 at 1:40am - misc - by livingamongtheflowers - United States

Today, at my job at a fast-food restaurant, I once again got called into the men's bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people. FML

#21145062
190 comments

Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML

#21137819
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49863) - you deserved it (6435)

On 05/12/2014 at 3:41pm - misc - by Jarool - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

#21142020
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45715) - you deserved it (9665)

On 05/16/2014 at 5:07pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I had to kick my own father out of my house after he started attacking my wife for breastfeeding our newborn son in the living room. All the way to the door, he ranted that "You don't see me whipping my dick out and pissing in front of everyone, do you?" FML

#21146270
267 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58060) - you deserved it (5135)

On 05/20/2014 at 1:27pm - misc - by Q - United States



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