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Monday 10 March 2014

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Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML

by littlefinger / 03/11/2014 at 12:11pm / United States (Alabama) / Intimacy

Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML

by thanksdad / 03/16/2014 at 3:28pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Health

Today, I was tanning nude in my backyard, when I took a picture of our dog lying in the grass and sent it to my dad. It was only after I looked at the picture indoors that I realized my nipple had made it into the picture too. FML

by why / 03/14/2014 at 7:23pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had an elaborate fantasy of what I would do if I became a cat and how I would make my way to my crush's house to be their cat. FML

by emmaavk88 / 03/17/2014 at 8:15am / United Arab Emirates / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I started my first job as a power line technician. My boss's first words to me were, "I have a good feeling about you, kid!" That would've been great if he hadn't said, "Although, the last time I had a good feeling, the guy died." right afterwards. FML

by Anon / 03/12/2014 at 8:11pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, my boyfriend asked why I never let him go down on me. I told him that it doesn't do much for me, even though it really does. I didn't have the courage to tell him that it's because he acts like a rabid dog when he does. FML

by tayymeds / 03/12/2014 at 3:44am / United States (California) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on a bus. When I awoke suddenly, half of the bus was staring at me, with some people chuckling and smiling. I have no idea what I did. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2014 at 11:33am / United States / Transportation

Today, my neighbor came over and yelled at me for traumatizing her kids. What did I do? Nothing. Her kids entered my back yard, dug up my 1-month-dead hamster and freaked out. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2014 at 2:39am / United States (Hawaii) / Kids

Today, after leaving my workplace, I realized that I forgot some important work papers. When I went back to get them, I was faced with the sight of my boss and a coworker getting it on against my desk. FML

by Anonymous / 03/15/2014 at 6:05pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, while I thought I'd never had an orgasm, my doctor informed me that I'm actually having orgasms almost every time I have sex. They just feel like utterly frustrating, slightly painful, unpleasurable and completely unsatisfying muscle contractions. FML

by HanBroman / 03/17/2014 at 4:05am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was walking through the main lobby at school and I saw someone waving at me, so I waved back. Turns out she was just cleaning a glass door. I heard laughter behind me. FML

by Crochocinco85 / 03/13/2014 at 7:59am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I waited on a gentleman and his lady friend at my restaurant. They ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu, and I thought I'd get a nice tip. Instead, he tipped me a scrap of paper, containing a drawing of a cock jizzing on a caricature of my face, and the word "Thanks." FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2014 at 2:53pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter". I'm a guy. FML

by CurtisWogan / 03/12/2014 at 6:23pm / United States (Georgia) / Work