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Wednesday 12 February 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

#21059471
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46242) - you deserved it (6544)

On 02/13/2014 at 8:31pm - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving, I saw a dog run across the road. Feeling sorry for the pup on a cold, rainy night, I pulled my car over to pick it up. Once in, it started freaking out so I turned on the light. It was then that I realized I'd just put a wild coyote on my passenger seat. FML

Today, I was grading work my students had done with a sub. I realized one student had gotten hold of the teachers' edition of the textbook when I read ten papers in a row that had "Student answers may vary" as the answer to problem number four. My students can't even cheat properly. FML

#21061154
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50902) - you deserved it (5061)

On 02/15/2014 at 2:11am - work - by chinaski7628 - United States (California)

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

#21059009
284 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31489) - you deserved it (47573)

On 02/13/2014 at 10:47am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

#21058111
232 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46354) - you deserved it (5332)

On 02/12/2014 at 1:25pm - misc - by Stuck - United States (Georgia)

Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML

#21058991
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47044) - you deserved it (17063)

On 02/13/2014 at 10:20am - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Nevada)

Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML

#21061692
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52024) - you deserved it (7811)

On 02/15/2014 at 5:44pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my brother and I took our cars to get oil changes. While we were there, a guy asked if we were dating. When we told him we were siblings, he responded with, "So?" FML

Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I decided to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML

#21061796
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38649) - you deserved it (8517)

On 02/15/2014 at 7:50pm - animals - by unloved cat owner - United States (California)

Today, I ran out of toilet paper. I yelled from the bathroom for my parents to bring me some toilet paper. My dad slipped one tiny piece of toilet paper under the door and boomed, "THE FINAL TEST." FML

#21058095
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38563) - you deserved it (5124)

On 02/12/2014 at 12:57pm - misc - by airhead2015 (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

#21061712
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43886) - you deserved it (5638)

On 02/15/2014 at 6:14pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I got into a slight spot of shit with my new boss over his speech. Apparently he was not actually impersonating Sylvester the Cat, and he just has a speech impediment. When I jokingly said "sufferin' succotash" to him, he wasn't pleased at all. FML

#21056453
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20207) - you deserved it (37916)

On 02/10/2014 at 5:37pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom



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